sigh

I am sitting here at almost 2 am. I would much rather be sleeping. But that doesn't seem to be happening tonight. Life seems to keep happening for me. (I'm not dead yet.) I hardly know where to begin.
So yes, I miscarried and had a D&C. That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The night we found out about the miscarriage, Matt took me out and gave me lots of loves and really took care of me. He was so cute and attentive. That night it was my turn to say our couple's prayer. I almost asked Matt to say it because I knew I would cry through the whole thing. (I did.) As I prayed I asked Heavenly Father to heal my broken heart. I continued to cry and be sad, disappointed, depressed etc until I fell asleep. The next morning I felt completely better. I don't mean like I got a good night sleep better, I mean all better. I was no longer sad, depressed, disrtaught, etc. I knew that the Savior had stepped in and literally healed my broken heart over night. It was amazing and such a sweet and tender mercy! I know from this and many other expereinces that the Atonement is not just for sins.
When I first found out that I was pregnant, Matt gave me a blessing. It said that I would find "joy" in this pregnancy. As I heard the news of the miscarriage, I thought, "What about the "joy" I was promised?" After that prayer was aswered so quickly, I found the joy. I found joy in knowing that I am not alone. That Heavenly Father and Jesus know me and care aobut my pain. I am so grateful that the answer was what I wanted instead of one of those times when I have to wait and work it out myself.
The D&C was really not that bad. I spent a fairly boring day in the hosptial because I went in to talk to the Dr and she scheduled the D&C for a couple hours later. I was really not prepared to stay there. Matt bought me a sudoku book at the gift shop but I couldn't get through even one puzzle. I was just not interested. I took a nap. That was kind of nice in the middle of the day, except that I was weraing a hospital gown and the bed sucked. My gown was cool though. It had this vent built in that hooked to an air system that blew in warm air and kept me warm. It also made me look like I was wearing a balloon suit. Anestisia wasn't as bad as I thought. I was a bit worried about what it would be like to be "put under". Of course I don't remember much. I didn't have my contacts in and vaguely saw the operating room. I don't know what else. Overall my recovery was unremarkable. I was tired that night. My pain was minimal, nothing more than a period. My bleeding was even more minimal. I made it to the trauma conference I had scheduled at the end of the week without issues.
The really nice part of all of this was that my emotions were very manageable. As the process went on I began to really understand how completely my broken heart was healed.

On a completely different subject...because the one above is not why I am awake. I just wanted to get that written and have been meaning to for days.
I have a new client that is going to really challenge me in many ways. I am scared to have her as a client, intrigued, overwhelmed, anxious, and traumatized. She is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (not the part that brings up all these emotions) and of Satanic ritual abuse (that's the part). I have only met with her twice. I will not share with you the things she has told me because you will all need therapy too if I do. I think I am going to start my own therapy. Seriously. I just can't process this stuff with her and have no where to debrief. Matt and I talked about her case a bit tonight. That helped but I couldn't tell him details of what she said because then I'd have to help contain him too. After I met with her last week for our first session, I came home and cried. I started praying to find out if I should continue seeing her or refer her to someone else. It was just all too much. That night as I was reading in the D&C, my prayer was answered. I had to read it several times and sit with it to make sure because it was not the answer I wanted. I was told to "continue the journey". It was like a section of the D&C was written for me and just for this situation. It was cool despite not getting the answer I wanted (being told to refer her to someone more skilled and expereinced).
I met with her again tonight. Again I was horrified at what she told me. I came home again wondering if my first answer was right or if I was just on an ego trip. After talking to Matt and sharing my concerns (many) I started reading the D&C again. I got my first answer confirmed. This time it was a little firmer but gentle at the same time. The scripture basically said that if the Lord asks us to do something we are to do it with our whole heart and a willing mind. Humm! Just the two things I was thinking were not ready for the task. As I read the scriptures over and read on, I knew that again the Lord was telling me that I was to conintue seeing her. I also felt that I definately need supervision. I also got the impression that the suprevisor would help me with the therapeautic skills to do what is needed and that the Spirit would help me with the spiritual healing that needs to happen. I felt impressed that if I referred this client out, that she would miss the spiritual piece, which is where the real healing happens. The Atonement is the only thing that can heal her. Hense, my expereince a couple of weeks ago. I guess I needed that personal remeinder so that when this client came and I got this answer, I had the expereince and faith to know that I would not be alone in the healing process. I already knew that, but really needed it to be fresh in my heart and mind. The part in the temple where we convenant to consecrate everything (time, talents etc) to the building up of the kingdom and establishment of Zion came to my mind. I guess that the time and money it will take me to do supervision, go to the temple more, ground myself etc will be worth it. Maybe all this is more for me than for her. I'm just sitting with the idea that this is where things are going for me and wondering what the next few months will be like. I know that things will work out and that my client and I will both be ok... and I am still nervous.

sucky

Well, my high is now a big low. i went into the Dr yesterday and found out that our baby doesn't have a heartbeat. I am spotting again. I am miscarrying. This is incredibly sucky. Is that even a word? I am doing better today. Yesterday was pretty hard. I just feel dizzy today. I haven't been able to get a hold of my parents yet so they don't know. I am not sure if things will just happen naturally or if I will have to have a D&C. I'll know more by Tues.

Update

Well, I went to the new Dr's office yesterday. I miss Dr Curtis! They took tons of my blood and made me pee in a cup twice. I didn't even get to see the Dr. I just talked with the nurse. I told her that I had been spotting so she sent me to get an ultra sound today. The ultra sound was fine, had to go vaginal (a new experience but not bad). We saw the baby. Yes, one. :) I am actually more like 6 weeks along. My due date is about 8-31. Too bad. Matt and I thought 8-8-08 would be cool. Who knows what the future will bring. The baby's heart beat was a little slow so they may have me do another ultra sound in a couple weeks. Keep you posted!

yaahoo!

Well, I can't stand it anymore. I have to tell you...I am pregnant! I think about 9 weeks! I guess I was pregnant already when I rubbed bellies with Mickey. Thanks for the rub anyway! I found out on New Year's Day. Obviously, I feel fine since it took me so long to even figure out that I am pregnant. I go to the Dr tomorrow. I am sad though because I have to change doctors. :( My insurance will not cover a delivery @ the new IHC hospital. So I am seeing someone that I have no idea who they are. Everyone I called was no longer doing OB, only the GYN. Weird! So after the appointment I'll let you know what I think of the DR and how things are going. I am a little concerned that we might be having more than 1. We'll see. We have told on 4 people and they are not our kids or parents. I am dying to tell someone. I saw my family last night and didn't tell anyone. I wanted to just shout it out, but Matt and I agreed that we would wait until our first appointment. So I did a lot of biting my tongue. Oh, and I might have an ear infection. Just my luck. I definitely have a head cold and can't take anything! :( I am getting a lot of sympathy from Matt which is nice.

I love to procrastinate

I could be quite possibly the worst at getting my client notes done. I am hopelessly behind. I can't remember what happened in the sessions. I am so behind that I don't know where to begin. I hate writing notes! I love meeting with my clients, but hate the paperwork. I could probably get in trouble for how far behind my notes are. And yet this does not motivate me to get them done. I keep telling myself that no one is asking for them and the likelyhood that someone will is not high. I need a babysitter or boss to make sure I do them. (The only thing that has ever worked to get them done anywhere close to a timely manner.) I have the time. I just don't do it. Why? My clients would probably be mad if they knew. Thank goodness no one has needed me to give records to the courts or anything. However, I have a client that I have been meeting with who is now going to go back to her regular therapist and of course she will want the notes to see what we have been working on. I don't know where to begin. I'll have to fake it. I have been sitting here for the past 45 min playing with my blog and avoiding doing lots of things...especially my notes. I think I might need therapy. Or an assistant who doesn't want to get paid. Ha! Fat chance! See what I mean. If I think I am a good therapist, that clashes with me being so bad at getting my notes done. So does that mean I am really a bad therapist pretending to be a good one. Or that I am good at helping people process their issues and not good at documentation? I am not sure who this makes me!

Help

Okay,
This one is weird. I started my period 3 days early. Last month I was 2 days early. I was really sad because I thought I was pregnant. So my question is: has anyone ever noticed that their nose bleeds when they are on their period? I don't mean like gushing blood. Just when you blow your nose there is a little blow it. I have noticed that for the past 3 months. I have had all kinds of weird girly things happening lately. Just wanted to check with someone else.

Friends of all kinds

I just got off the phone with Roxie. She used to be our neighbor in our old house. She is old enough to be my mom and I have formed a great bond with her. She is not LDS and we get to have many great conversations about Church. She has been reading the Book of Mormon off and on. A couple of years ago for Christmas I gave her a Book of Mormon study guide to help since we no longer live close to each other (she moved to Taylorsville). Today she mentioned that she has been talking to her neighbor who is the new Bishop in her ward/neighborhood. She also mentioned that she had him give her a blessing to help with her back. I am glad to hear that she has somebody who can do those things for her. I am also glad to hear that she is still interested. I think I am going to have to keep closer contact so I can bear testimony and love her better. I just love her so much!