sigh

I am sitting here at almost 2 am. I would much rather be sleeping. But that doesn't seem to be happening tonight. Life seems to keep happening for me. (I'm not dead yet.) I hardly know where to begin.
So yes, I miscarried and had a D&C. That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The night we found out about the miscarriage, Matt took me out and gave me lots of loves and really took care of me. He was so cute and attentive. That night it was my turn to say our couple's prayer. I almost asked Matt to say it because I knew I would cry through the whole thing. (I did.) As I prayed I asked Heavenly Father to heal my broken heart. I continued to cry and be sad, disappointed, depressed etc until I fell asleep. The next morning I felt completely better. I don't mean like I got a good night sleep better, I mean all better. I was no longer sad, depressed, disrtaught, etc. I knew that the Savior had stepped in and literally healed my broken heart over night. It was amazing and such a sweet and tender mercy! I know from this and many other expereinces that the Atonement is not just for sins.
When I first found out that I was pregnant, Matt gave me a blessing. It said that I would find "joy" in this pregnancy. As I heard the news of the miscarriage, I thought, "What about the "joy" I was promised?" After that prayer was aswered so quickly, I found the joy. I found joy in knowing that I am not alone. That Heavenly Father and Jesus know me and care aobut my pain. I am so grateful that the answer was what I wanted instead of one of those times when I have to wait and work it out myself.
The D&C was really not that bad. I spent a fairly boring day in the hosptial because I went in to talk to the Dr and she scheduled the D&C for a couple hours later. I was really not prepared to stay there. Matt bought me a sudoku book at the gift shop but I couldn't get through even one puzzle. I was just not interested. I took a nap. That was kind of nice in the middle of the day, except that I was weraing a hospital gown and the bed sucked. My gown was cool though. It had this vent built in that hooked to an air system that blew in warm air and kept me warm. It also made me look like I was wearing a balloon suit. Anestisia wasn't as bad as I thought. I was a bit worried about what it would be like to be "put under". Of course I don't remember much. I didn't have my contacts in and vaguely saw the operating room. I don't know what else. Overall my recovery was unremarkable. I was tired that night. My pain was minimal, nothing more than a period. My bleeding was even more minimal. I made it to the trauma conference I had scheduled at the end of the week without issues.
The really nice part of all of this was that my emotions were very manageable. As the process went on I began to really understand how completely my broken heart was healed.

On a completely different subject...because the one above is not why I am awake. I just wanted to get that written and have been meaning to for days.
I have a new client that is going to really challenge me in many ways. I am scared to have her as a client, intrigued, overwhelmed, anxious, and traumatized. She is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (not the part that brings up all these emotions) and of Satanic ritual abuse (that's the part). I have only met with her twice. I will not share with you the things she has told me because you will all need therapy too if I do. I think I am going to start my own therapy. Seriously. I just can't process this stuff with her and have no where to debrief. Matt and I talked about her case a bit tonight. That helped but I couldn't tell him details of what she said because then I'd have to help contain him too. After I met with her last week for our first session, I came home and cried. I started praying to find out if I should continue seeing her or refer her to someone else. It was just all too much. That night as I was reading in the D&C, my prayer was answered. I had to read it several times and sit with it to make sure because it was not the answer I wanted. I was told to "continue the journey". It was like a section of the D&C was written for me and just for this situation. It was cool despite not getting the answer I wanted (being told to refer her to someone more skilled and expereinced).
I met with her again tonight. Again I was horrified at what she told me. I came home again wondering if my first answer was right or if I was just on an ego trip. After talking to Matt and sharing my concerns (many) I started reading the D&C again. I got my first answer confirmed. This time it was a little firmer but gentle at the same time. The scripture basically said that if the Lord asks us to do something we are to do it with our whole heart and a willing mind. Humm! Just the two things I was thinking were not ready for the task. As I read the scriptures over and read on, I knew that again the Lord was telling me that I was to conintue seeing her. I also felt that I definately need supervision. I also got the impression that the suprevisor would help me with the therapeautic skills to do what is needed and that the Spirit would help me with the spiritual healing that needs to happen. I felt impressed that if I referred this client out, that she would miss the spiritual piece, which is where the real healing happens. The Atonement is the only thing that can heal her. Hense, my expereince a couple of weeks ago. I guess I needed that personal remeinder so that when this client came and I got this answer, I had the expereince and faith to know that I would not be alone in the healing process. I already knew that, but really needed it to be fresh in my heart and mind. The part in the temple where we convenant to consecrate everything (time, talents etc) to the building up of the kingdom and establishment of Zion came to my mind. I guess that the time and money it will take me to do supervision, go to the temple more, ground myself etc will be worth it. Maybe all this is more for me than for her. I'm just sitting with the idea that this is where things are going for me and wondering what the next few months will be like. I know that things will work out and that my client and I will both be ok... and I am still nervous.